Life is Beautiful??

A few weeks ago, I had to drive downtown for a meeting. On the way there, I saw an interesting juxtaposition of signs. The first sign, which was held by a 20 something girl, was bright and colorful and thoughtfully-designed. It said: “Smile, Life is Beautiful.” Right across the busy intersection was a second sign, made of cardboard, written in black sharpie, held by an older, worn-out man. It said: “Homeless. Anything will help. God Bless.”

This image struck me vividly then. It strikes me vividly now. And the question that has been whirling in my mind these last few days is: “What’s so Beautiful about life?”

I mean, is life beautiful?

Of Chick-fil-A, Gay Marriage, and Why We’re all Wrong

(Also Known As My Unnecessary Soapbox)

So I run the risk of being called a heretic or a bigot by putting my honest opinion in writing. Not to mention, I’m just proving that I cave easy by wasting time talking about an issue that is wasting too much of my newsfeed.

But I’m sleepy, which makes me passionate, and annoyed, which makes me a bit rash, so it’s gonna happen . . .

. . . really, a disclaimer?! . . . Can’t you just tell us what you think?

From a purely political standpoint, marriage shouldn’t even be in the equation because it’s a faith issue, not a governmental one. Churches, temples, mosques, and synagogues should deal in marriages – and be able to choose who they wish to marry – the government should be responsible for civil unions.

But since that’s not really realistic, Christians need to understand that regardless of their personal beliefs, the Church has no place to push its beliefs on the country, as a whole. That’s where separation of Church and State comes in—which I completely ascribe to; if I had children, I wouldn’t want them to be going to school and learning that the Quran was law and in the same way, a person who is of a different belief system shouldn’t have to live under the laws of the Bible. It should be a personal choice, not a government mandate. That’s what’s so great about living in this country – I can live in this country without fear of being persecuted for my religious beliefs.

If the Church is having such a big deal about the definition of “marriage” (forget about the astronomical divorce rates, which have basically destroyed the so-called sanctity anyways), why not be the one to change the name? I personally vote for “Covenant” or “Covenantal Marriage” which is what a marriage should be anyways.

When I would fight back is when churches were forced to marry somebody they didn’t want to. But, again, separation of Church and State means that we won’t be a problem. Recently in the news, a Baptist church didn’t want to marry a Black couple. Did I agree with their choice?? No. I found it ridiculous. But I do respect the religious rights we do have in this country.

But What Do You Personally Believe??

As for my personal beliefs, I don’t think that gay marriage is Biblical. But I also don’t think that Christians who do think it’s within God’s will are heretics. Because I live with the reality that I could be the one who’s wrong—I’ve heard convincing arguments from both sides. A lot of times I wonder if I only believe the way I do because I was raised with a fairly evangelical background—and frankly, if I had to choose between a homosexual Christian who’s in a monogamous marriage relationship with his/her partner or an atheist homosexual whose left the Church because he/she didn’t feel accepted . . . well . . .

Cassandra, how can you even call yourself a Bible-believin’ Christian?!

I’m still searching. I think most Christians are . . . actually, if a Christian tells me s/he has all the answers, I would be skeptical of how real his or her faith was and I certainly wouldn’t be taking any advice about my relationship with God from him/her. People can say that thinking the way I do compromises my faith, but I’m usually more worried about the way I live and treat others. My biggest prayer is that through my actions, I’m not inadvertently oppressing others; instead, people see the love of Christ.

Get to the point, please!

The political debate about whether homosexual marriage should be legal serves more as a red herring to distract Christians from true social issues such as poverty and injustice in this country and the world. It’s easy to stand in line and buy a sandwich, but what about the person whose praying somebody will share their sandwich? Why do we find it so difficult to meet people in their brokenness and pain and love and accept them regardless of how different their beliefs may be from ours? Accepting doesn’t mean you have to agree. I don’t know why we live in this either/or society . . . it’s completely acceptable to respect another person and even his or her beliefs, and still be able to stand firm in yours.

Maybe it was just because I was so close to the tragedy, now that I live in Aurora. But there were two days, three tops, that my newsfeed was flooded with people’s prayers about the shooting. We are into almost two weeks about Chick-fil-A: of people being outraged that Chick-fil-A is against gay marriage (um, duh) and others being outraged that people are outraged about Chick-fil-A’s stance (again, duh!!)

That being said, I didn’t eat at Chick-fil-A today because I don’t like lines and I think both sides are too busy attacking each other to have an honest dialogue. But I still plan on eating there . . . because I love waffle fries and lemonade and awesome cows who can’t spell.

Fate, God, or Just a Random String of Coincidences?

A little over a month ago, I caused a car accident. Nobody was injured, but I was in my dad’s truck—so I felt horrible for having the wreck. I was so angry at myself for being so careless . . . for not taking two more seconds to check the other side again—you know, what you’re supposed to do when crossing the street.

The cop gave me a ticket. I wasn’t mad at him, but I was still afraid of having to stand in front of the judge. Of a possible fine that I couldn’t afford and points on my record that I’d rather not have. In a few hours, I’ll be standing in front of a judge to discuss my car accident.

And I couldn’t be more thankful.

You see, about an hour ago my mom called me a dozen times over. I thought she was calling to ask me if I was ready for my court date—and I didn’t really want to answer because I felt a little under-prepared. But then I opened my iPad to see how much time I had left to sleep and I see the headline on CNN.

14 dead, 50 injured. At the midnight premiere of Batman in Aurora.

I know, without a doubt, if it wasn’t for my date with traffic court at 8 a.m., I would have been at the movies that night. I would have been sitting in that theater when the shooting occurred. Perhaps that’s why I’m crying so hard right now. A seemingly random incident in my life—one that I’ve been so angry about—is the reason that I’m sitting here tonight writing this post instead of in the hospital or worse.

Or perhaps I’m crying for all the people who were there at that showing. At the fact that they didn’t have early morning appointments – or they did, but they’ve been so pumped up for this movie that they thought they would just run on a couple hours of sleep. It’s not like I’ve never sacrificed sleep for a midnight movie. Why was it that the events in their life led them to be in that theater tonight and me to be in my bed? How many people were personally affected, terribly devastated, completely changed in ways that I can’t even fathom right now??

I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason . . . yes, God can bring comfort and give peace in even the most senseless tragedies. But I believe part of living in a fallen world with broken people is that horrible, pointless, devastating, painful things happen and sometimes all we can do is hold on for dear life and hope that somehow through all the pain, we can draw closer to our loved ones and to God.

I’m like most people in this world—maybe a bit too prideful, definitely too idealist—I believe God has great plans for my life, even if I don’t always live that way. Some people will say that’s why I wasn’t there that night. Because God has a lot more to do in my life. But do you think that God was done with the people’s stories who died tonight?! What makes me so much better than them????

Nothing.

I’m no better. My story is no greater.

So was fate the reason I wasn’t there that night? Did God protect me through the strangest of ways . . . a car accident?? Or was it just a random string of coincidences that left me sleeping in bed last night?

. . . sometimes you just don’t know . . .

Fireworks in the sky . . .

except not here in Aurora, because half of Colorado is already on fire. I was going through my iPad earlier and found a poem I had written last year on Independence Day. So, me being me, took an exorbitant amount of time typing it up, capturing it in photo form–so that the formatting would stay the same–and pasting it all together.

Again, I only like to pretend I’m a poet . . . and this poem probably could have done with some edits. But I don’t really believe in editing (thus the reason I’ve yet to pursue publishing any of my work) and I prefer a bit of jumble to my thoughts and writing.

A Scrumptious Re-Introduction to My Life

It seems to have been a while since I’ve updated . . . especially since so much has happened since I’ve last written. For one, I’ve relocated from the lovely Midwest to the true West—or at least in my mind—to Denver, Colorado: Rocky Mountain view and all.

Here’s a lovely picture of the Rocky mountains I took my first week in Denver

Not that I’ve actually made it out to the mountains . . . every single morning I have a reminder that I want to go on an all-day hike in the hills (I suppose they’re a bit bigger than hills, but that’s what us country folk called the Appalachians, so cut me a little slack).

I also have a job that doesn’t suck away my soul little by little each day.

So yes, things are going pretty great for me, if I do say so myself. (Well, other than when I managed to smash up a truck, but none of us really want to hear that story…mostly because I don’t like to rehash my horrible driving skills.)

It may seem a bit cliché: moving out West to “find myself.” However, even though I’ve only been here for about two months, I feel that’s what I’m doing. In some ways, at least. I’m meeting a lot of new people; I’m trying out a few different churches; I’m attempting to figure out what it is I’m called to do for the rest of this amazing life God has given me.

It’s not really that I don’t know what I want to do…it’s that there’s so MUCH I want to do. So many different paths that are open before me, and there’s a big part of me that fears that if I go down one, I’m going to be missing something really amazing if I had just chosen the second or third or fourth path.

That’s where trusting in God comes into play . . . but what do you do when you feel like he’s telling you that either choice can be utilized to bring him glory? Yeah, I know; what a horrible concept . . . being able to choose. But there’s something about choice that, while exciting, is a bit scary as well.

I kind of think of the passage in Corinthians about how when we were children, we thought like children—reasoning like children—but now that we’re adults, we must put our childish ways behind us. As a kid, we’re forced to eat our vegetables, forced to go to school (okay, I confess, I’ve always loved school), forced to go to bed at an early hour. We were told what was okay to watch and what was bad; we were taught to never talk to strangers and to be respectful to all adults, regardless of their personality.

I think you get the point.

Everything was decided for us . . . and fine, maybe we were able to pick out our own outfit—no matter how ridiculous it may have looked—but for the most part, we didn’t have to make any serious decisions. Like are we desensitizing ourselves to sex and violence when we continue to watch movies and television shows that glorify it? How is it that I can be so obsessed with a vampire who regularly enjoys killing people on a whim (any other Vampire Diaries enthusiasts?) – I mean, I knew I used to have a problem for falling for “bad boy” types, but this takes that former issue to a whole ‘nother level! Or is it acceptable to go out to a bar for drinks after a long work week and when I do, should I be capping myself at one drink or is two or three or four okay? Where is the limit between drinking socially and drunkenness?

But perhaps these issues are a bit too legalistic? Maybe these details don’t even matter . . . after all, there is that line in the Bible that says everything is permissible—of course Paul quickly goes on to say not everything is beneficial. I think the biggest problem I have with issues such as drinking limits isn’t that I’m afraid that I’ll go off the deep end into drunkenness, but rather that my decisions will be a stumbling block for others. And I guess I have a big issue with being the person in the way of another’s salvation.

But on the other side of the coin, if my going out for a drink with somebody is a way to lower down barriers and actually open up a conversation with a friend who’s ordinarily wary about hanging with “Christian-types,”. . . . You don’t need to tell me twice that I’m way over-thinking this. I honestly don’t think that drinking is wrong. But I know a lot of Christians that do—otherwise, this wouldn’t even be a conversation I’m having—because of this tension, I’m careful about who I drink around. If a person is offended by others who drink, I mostly likely won’t. If I’m around teenagers, especially youth that I work with, I definitely won’t.

But I have no clue how I segued into drinking.

The point I was really trying to make had to do with my future plans not a subject that’s way over-talked in the Christian field—especially in light of the more persistent faith-issue of ignoring those who are in the greatest need—I feel another segue coming on . . .

My life!

Really, what I care most about is finding some way to serve teenagers and young people—to give under-privileged young people opportunities to follow their God-given dreams that they may not otherwise be able to realize—to help teenagers who may have those opportunities see that there is a world of people out there who need a hand. I want to help build a stronger relationship between the Church and the community. But most importantly, I desire to aid others in the journey of becoming true Disciples of Christ.

So what’s all this about not knowing what you want to do, Cassandra?! That seems to be a pretty nice vision statement if you ask me!

Why, thank you alter-ego; it’s good to know that you have opinions as well . . . the vision is easy; it’s simple. When I was in high school, the plan seemed concrete. I want to lead a youth group. That was all there was to it. In college, it was: I want to move to the city and come alongside churches who are dedicated to serving their community. And now, it’s like: well, I’m working for Americorps, which I love doing. And maybe I want to work on the “secular” side to bring help bring churches and other faith communities into the conversation of economic development. But I also want to dedicate time to mentoring young people, so perhaps I could volunteer with a church youth group. But really, I would love to be in charge of a youth group program and help churches see the importance of coming alongside teenagers in their journey and while volunteering is nice for now, it is something I feel like I’m called to full-time. Can I just have two full-time jobs working on both sides of the playing field? After all, with the amount of student loans I’m going to have to pay off, I’m going to need at least six minimum-paying jobs. And if we’re all being completely honest here, getting married, settling down, and spending forty hours a week volunteering could be just as appealing as any of the above plans.

But I think I over-think my future. A LOT. No, I don’t know if this time next year, I’ll still be here in Denver. Or if I’ll be back in Indiana, working on a Master’s in Public Policy. For all I know I could be in an entirely different state, or even country, working or living with people I haven’t even met yet. And yes, there are parts of that that seem a bit scary. This whole “not knowing” thing. But I think it’s really super exciting, as well.

I mean, I’m not going to be 23 forever. And okay, there are people my age who have already done amazing, awesome things with their lives. But I believe that God has blessed me with so much and has given me the chance to do so many amazing awesome things, even though I’m still young. And honestly and truly believe that the best is truly yet to come.

And I just said “truly” twice in the same sentence. Heh. That’s truly scrumptious…..

Signs of Emergence Review

Signs of Emergence: a vision for Church that is organic/networked/decentralized/bottom-up/communal/flexible/{always evolving}

Book written by Kester Brewin

Two Sentence Snapshot: “Signs of Emergence” is a call to Christians and churches to reexamine the methods in which our faith is practiced in light of the changing cultural context and challenges followers to embrace a new way of transforming the Church. Although the outcome of the Emergent Church cannot be foretold, Brewin uses Biblical and sociological reasoning to help the Church “embrace an evolutionary approach to change” as we reexamine the way the Christians, as well as society, view Christ, the Church, and Christian faith.

Poetry at Work

This is just a poem I wrote last week while at work . . . it was slow and I am well aware of the terrible word-play title. (And I apologize, in advance, for the bad writing. I’ll try to post some prose soon to prove that I do, in fact, have the ability to write. Poetry isn’t my strong suit.) Thank you so much for reading!

Poetry at Work

By: Cassandra Ernst

Through Heaven’s Eyes

This is an older movie, but if you’ve never watched The Prince of Egypt, I suggest you do. It may be a cartoon, but it’s not just a kid’s movie. Although not entirely accurate, it captures the true essence of the story of Moses so perfectly. Not to mention, it has a killer soundtrack. So . . . at least buy the soundtrack! All that to say, we watched this movie last night in youth as we’re just getting into Exodus and it’s such a lovely view of how God was able to use Moses, and how, in turn, Moses glorified God and helped set his people free. (Of course, it nicely glosses over the 40 years of wandering that those murmuring Israelites were led through. Spoiler Alert! It ends with Moses holding up the ten commandments; I always envision him slamming them down just after the credits start rolling . . .)

This slight plug of Prince of Egypt brings me to a wonderful song that I confess I adore dancing around to in my room. It sets as the montage to Moses transforming into a new person in Midan and the words always encourage me to remember to not judge or even view my own life through the lenses of earthly things. But instead, to view things as God views them. Hope you enjoy!

A Confession on Giving

In case you didn’t know this about me, I’m a recovering People Pleaser. Actually, there’s not much “recovering” about it . . . I still have quite a hard time saying no, so if I stare straight ahead without making eye contact with you, there’s a fair chance I’m onto you. Oh yes, I’m onto you and I’d rather not say no and have you hate me for life.

Which brings me to boy scouts in front of grocery stores. Give me those girl scouts with their cookies, I’ll buy a dozen boxes. But I don’t want your stupid popcorn and I really don’t want those little coupons that have all those ridiculous deals for restaurants in town. Half the time, I forget I even have the coupons; that is, if I don’t lose the booklet within the first 24 hours of purchasing it.

Anyways, today, I had to run into town and I find men standing outside of JayC’s trying to raise money for a drug and alcohol recovery program . They ask for a donation, but I already know I don’t have any cash so I tell them that I’ll see if I can get cash back on the way out because it is a program that I want to help with.

And I know they are thinking I’m lying . . . isn’t that what people say when they want to say no, but have this crazy people-pleasing symptom like I have?! I mean, the only thing worse than saying no to a church who’s raising money to help combat addiction is saying no to Koisher children or blind orphans. You know? It’s just not done.

True to my word, I get cash and I get out there, all set to show them that not all people who say they’re going to give money on the way out are people-pleasing liars.

And they’ve already left!

So, I drive around the parking lot to see if they’re still around–I was only in the store for five minutes, after all–I look around the square to see if they’re in front of some other store. And while I’m doing all of this, it sudden hits me:

It wasn’t my desire to give money to support this cause that has me combing the road for these men.

I mean, if that were the case, I would just call the number of the organization or mail them a monetary donation.

No, what I wanted was for these two strangers: people who didn’t even know my name or my beliefs–people who I would never see again–I wanted these people to know that I was a “good” person. That I wasn’t lying when I said I wanted to give them money. I wanted their gratitude-a sort of a demonic thanks, as I heard about this past Sunday–or a thank you that was to solely build up myself.

It makes me think of the command in the Gospels about how to give to the needy and how to pray and how to fast. We’re not supposed to do it to be seen or to bask in the glory of how great we are. It says that when we do this, we’ve already received our reward on Earth. Instead, we are called to do these things in secret. As a believer, I believe I’m called to be humble about the good deeds that I do, for the true glory should go to God, not to building up my own pride.

So I guess I’m kind of glad those men weren’t still outside when I left. My pride needed that beating to help remind me the true purpose in giving.

You Really Gotta Hold On Me (yes, I’m thinking of the Beatles…)

I sometimes do stupid things in the name of “fashion.” Such as when I went to work today in a pair of flats that I knew gave my feet blisters. They looked best with my top and I figured: no pain. no game. Never again. It only took about an hour before I seriously considered using my break to buy another pair of shoes just to stop the pain. Those shoes have earned their place in my “buh-bye” pile. Some other girl can wince their way through fashion.

I’m currently in the process of cleaning out my closet. I admit to being a bit of a pack rat, especially when it comes to clothing/shoes, and it’s really something I dislike about myself. Growing up, I would have never considered my family “rich” by any means: I lived in a single-parent home and my siblings and I went through school on free or reduced lunches, depending on how good a job my mom could find. And yet by the world’s standards, we might as well be millionaires for all the stuff we have.

I wonder why it is that possessions are so important to us. I find it hard to get rid of something even if I know I’ll never wear it again, or never read it again. Even if I don’t like it all that much, I would still rather throw it in the back of my closet rather than give it away or sell it. Sometimes the stuff represents the girl I wish I could be; such as quirky 70′s style pants I’m holding onto for when I drop two pant sizes or the dress I’ve been meaning to reconstruct for the last year or the book that I feel like I should read. Other times, I think I hold onto stuff because it’s the girl I used to be: dresses from dances and stacks of old homework that might come in handy (right) if I ever bothered to organize it all. As you can see, my conundrum is trapped between this strange past-me and this imaginary future-me. But when am I just being me?

The biggest issue is that I even take so much time to focus on all these earthly possessions when it’s clear in the Bible that we should turn our eyes to heavenly matters. Like it says in Matthew 6:21, where my treasure is, there my heart is also. Where I want to be is at a place that there was nothing in my closet that I’d hesitate to give away if I thought it would serve another person better. When I think of pain, I don’t want to think of the pain my own feet are in, but rather the feet of others who are forced to travel long miles on foot to go to school or to get food. I always get so so angry at so-called “conservative Christians” who say they have a right to keep all of their money–they earned it after all–and treat the word “redistribution” like it’s a curse word, when really the message that’s preached in the Bible is that we should give to any who has need and not hold on too tightly to any of our things; sometimes even going so far as to suggest selling everything and sharing it all with one another.

I know I’m not perfect. I mean, as this entire entry suggests, I do struggle with caring too much for the things that I have. I’m taking action to change (through getting rid of over half the things in my closet and also implementing a rule that if I buy something new, I have to get rid of something of a similar type). But I still can’t get over what a hold money has on so many hearts; mine included. That’s why my prayer always has and always will be: “Lord, give me just enough to get by so I must depend on you.”